Life Coach Reid Walley – Study Together; Stay Together – Hewlett-Packard from Reid Walley on Vimeo.
“Study Together; Stay Together” presented during HP Northside Toastmasters meeting at Hewlett-Packard in Roseville, CA, July 22, 2010. Invited to be a guest speaker by Kevin Levine (VP Education).
Sometimes, misery comes from saying “yes” to something/someone you should have said “no” to. Then you have to back out of it and reestablish your “path.” Sometimes family and friends will make you feel guilty, be angry with you, make fun of you or ignore you until you “give in” to something you really should say “no” to. Learn to say “no” when asked to leave your “path.”
“Boundaries” is an excellent book to help you strengthen your life! A properly used “no” provides peace of mind.
There are two types of “no” that we use in our lives:
My dear friend, Candace, as a mother toward her daughter, is the perfect example of a focus on emotional happiness through the harmony of “Boundaries, Oversight and Consequences.” During a fashion shoot I was producing, Candace stopped right in the middle of it and addressed her daughter’s boundary-breaking behavior with loving and firm oversight. It was amazing, fluid, non-confrontational and caring. After a few minutes we went right back to the photo shoot.
I later realized that the amazing, happy, beautiful relationship she has with her daughter happens at “every instance” of their lives. Candace didn’t ignore her daughter during our photo shoot, nor did she wait until they got home. She addressed the boundary-breaking behavior at the instant it occurred. THIS is crucial to emotional happiness!
Catching fragile objects “before” they hit the ground is crucial to emotional happiness!
Candace is also very comfortable with following through with the consequences of her daughter’s boundary-breaking behavior. There are no spankings, nothing physical. In this instance, her daughter went to bed without a bedtime story. That was the consequence. And Candace was “not” moved to reconsider even after her daughter pouted, begged and cried for 15 minutes. THIS is also the amazing part of Candace’s relationship with her daughter. Candace is reliable and consistent! That’s super-important to emotional happiness.
This relationship that I’ve seen over many years with Candace and her daughter is equally applicable to ALL relationships.
1. Boundaries must be put in place. And emotional happiness, among other criteria, should certainly be promoted within these boundaries.
2. Oversight should occur at every instant.
3. Consequences must be delivered reliably and consistently, regardless of pouting, begging or crying. The old “you break it, you buy it” slogan must apply; otherwise, you’re breaking your own boundaries.
Expectations have nothing to do with your Mac booting up or not, or your significant other being honest or not. Expectations have no effect on either of those outcomes. A person’s integrity has nothing to do with your expectations of them having integrity.
Boundaries, not expectations, are what need to be set in a relationship, whether it’s with a significant other, spouse, co-worker, boss, roommate, friend, parent, child. The beauty of boundaries is that they’re measurable. Boundaries are how you can tell if a person has character. A person’s character can be analyzed by their boundaries – whether they respect their own boundaries, as well as yours. Character is at the heart of happiness – your own character and the character of others. And investigating your character, as well as others, is a key to success. Character can only be seen over time, and measured through boundaries.
If one of the saddest days of your life was realizing that you had no expectations of anyone other than yourself, then there were no proper boundaries in place. If you expect somebody to follow through with something and they don’t, and you don’t change your relationship with them after that, then there were no proper boundaries to begin with. Accept the way a person is (absence of expectations) and adjust accordingly (boundary analysis). You should always have your own boundaries for what you will and will not accept. After that, you will know how to respond when the moment arrives. Expectation does not change the outcome, but you can always change how you respond to it.
Life Coaching: There’s a “mean” way – and a “meaningful” way – of saying no. One is derogatory; the other is life affirming.
A “mean” no is probably not the truth. Whereas a “meaningful” no can be transformative, balanced, Zen. It’s a no that means the request doesn’t align with your life’s plan/path. The no itself can be a sharing of your life’s plan/path with the requester. Imagine a request from a stranger that you answer with your Zen approach to life. Your no is quite literally your life-affirming answer to life – your life.
I highly recommend “Boundaries,” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.